Our
childhood experiences, coupled with our genetic makeup, significantly influence
the type of emotional personality we acquire as adults. Our sense of
self-esteem, temperament, perceptiveness, relationship skills, and ability to
give and receive love are directly impacted with these factors.
Based on
different combinations of these attributes, there are surely a large number of
distinct personality types possible (please also see my earlier post on Being Myself). However, there are two types
namely, the aggressor and the victim, that are prominently displayed in our relationships. Unfortunately,
living either of these archetypes limits us from enjoying deeper and more
loving relationships.
The
Victim
As the
title suggests, people with a Victim personality believe that they are the victims of the world
– that the others do not care for their emotions and that they are routinely
left alone to fend for themselves. They tend to be inward looking and are
easily given to self-blame. Experiencing any setback, they are quick to judge
and blame themselves for their situation. These aspects are partly a reflection
of their low self-esteem.
They also
have a propensity to be reserved, introverted and uncomfortable with any form
of confrontation. Operating from a strong fear of rejection, they would rather
conform than confront, to avoid the risk of being in the wrong and not being
loved. Consequently, instead of sharing freely, they are prone to instinctively
suppressing their true emotions.
However,
these suppressed emotions of frustration and disappointment eventually do get
released, in the form of sudden bursts of anger. To the others, these bursts
are usually unexplainable, as the immediate trigger is generally somewhat
insignificant. Some of these factors make it challenging for such individuals
to have deep and honest relationships – in fact, many of them have difficulty
with intimacy, lest their true selves be discovered.
The
Aggressor
The
Aggressors are
almost the opposite. They have high self-esteem – their high self-confidence
arguably higher than their actual abilities. This sometimes even spills into a
sense of entitlement – the belief that the world owes it to them. They
generally believe that they are in the right and are comfortable expressing
their point of view.
While they
have a high respect for themselves, they tend to have lesser respect and
empathy for others. For them, the problems are always outside of them. Not
given to looking within, they operate from the instinct that it’s generally
someone else who’s at fault and not them.
They tend
to be more vocal, louder and pushy in their approach. They like to get their
way and can be dominating in a relationship. While the victims are comfortable sacrificing and
giving (so they would be loved), the aggressors are better at receiving (as they
deserve it)!
Relationship
Challenges
Operating
from either of these conditioned psychological patterns, we have challenges in
building deeper relationships. The victims restrain themselves from sharing their true feelings
and subliminally keep their partner at a distance. The aggressors can be intimidating, making their
partner uncomfortable in getting close to them.
Nature
perhaps plays a cruel joke in bringing these two opposites together in many of
our closest relationships – if one spouse is the aggressor, the other is predisposed to being the
victim; if a parent
is the victim
personality, the child turns out to be the aggressor; if a boss is the aggressor type, the employee they attract
happens to be the victim profile and so forth.
While that
maybe nature's way of ensuring that the relationship survives (two aggressors or two victims together would perhaps be even more
dysfunctional), it does perpetuate our individual personality limitations.
What’s more, unless we make a deliberate choice to alter this, we are always
subconsciously drawn towards people (spouse, boss, colleague and friends) with
the opposite traits – so we can have a symbiotic relationship and sustain
living in our comfort zone.
The
Third Possibility
It is
possible for us to break free from these conditioned mindsets. We do not have
to be either the victim or the aggressor. Instead, we have to learn to be assertive.
Being assertive in our interactions suggests that
we have high respect for both, others and ourselves. In this state, we are
self-confident but not arrogant; we are firm but polite and respectful; we are
open to other’s views but fearless about expressing our own; honest about
sharing our feelings but empathetic of others’ feelings.
It’s that
optimal spot in the relationship where neither do we take the other for granted
nor let the others take us for granted; we are equally comfortable in both,
loving others and receiving their love. Besides, our conversations then are far
more authentic; devoid of any emotional drama (of either anger and aggression
or sadness and withdrawal).
Getting
there
Making this
shift requires working on ourselves with the belief that the change is within
us; recognizing that rather than blame others (our partner, parent or
colleague), we have to change ourselves; and that when we change, our
relationships and the world around us change automatically.
Only when
we chose to reflect on our habitual patterns, bring them into our active
awareness and focus on dealing with them, do we start the process of real
change. Observe your self and establish which of these is your dominant style,
particularly within your relationships? What would your spouse, boss or friends
describe you as?
You can
then determine the steps you need to take to be more assertive, authentic and
loving in your relationships. What emotional blocks do you need to overcome
inside you to be more assertive? Do you need to build greater love and respect
for yourself or learn to be more respectful of others’ views and feelings?
